Monday, April 13, 2020 - I can't take it much longer...
...and much longer is what it's going to be.
The talk around town is that they are "hoping" kids will be back in school for September.
HOPING. This means, at this point and time, they can't guarantee it.
Which I get. But the fact that in April we are talking about hopes of September - have me spiraling.
The most stressful part for me is not having a schedule. Not having a routine. The stress is making me super tired so I sleep in most days. I struggle to sleep during the night. I'm having nightmares every night. They range from my kids getting sick or harmed, to me getting sick or harmed. Last night was all about the dog shitting in the house and Paul leaving me.
Nightmares about dogs shitting in the house!!! WTF. I mean, I guess that one is warranted seeing as Lida ate 1.5 pounds of chocolate yesterday. ugh. She seems no worse for wear and actually found ANOTHER egg and ate it!
People are on the streets all the time going for walks. It's about the only thing we are allowed to do. Backyard fires have been banned. The campgrounds have been mandated to stay closed. They are even talking about putting up police barricades to stop people from going to their cottages. Cottages and land that they OWN they now have no right to visit?!
I know what they are trying to do. They are TRYING their hardest to keep everyone inside. All those people not listening to the rules. All the people still getting together. All the people browsing through the shops with no mask and having no general care in the world. They are trying to stop these people. But in the meantime, they are punishing all of us who have been home since March. All of us who have been washing our hands until raw, staying inside, shopping remotely or from a direct list, keeping ourselves quarantined - those of us who are suffering!
And I use the word 'suffering' sparingly because I know there is REAL suffering out there. People with not enough food, not enough resources to get by. I know, no matter what happens, if we lose our house, our retirement fund, whatever - we will be fine. We will rise up from this time, and challenge ourselves to do better when life gets back to 'normal'.
But I just don't know how much more I can take.
The kids are fighting constantly. Parker is sleeping until 2-3 pm in the afternoon and I'm too busy to get downstairs to wake him up. Doing Zoom calls for work (when I do dial in - I just feel discouraged for everything that is going on right now), making all the meals, teaching the kids their lessons, trying to keep the house tidy when we are all living in it FULL time, even trying to get ahead and get rooms cleaned out and purged so when we do emerge from this, we can forget about the house!
There is no break. There is no alone time. There is no schedule. There is no one to answer to.
I thought I would be this brave person who deletes Facebook off of her phone and really LIVES in the moment of this COVID. Instead, I'm an anxious mess who's having nightmares, can't sleep and yells at her kids every day because of all the fighting that is going on.
How do I pivot?? And I think, well tomorrow is a new day. It's only 2 pm today! I still have a minimum of 8 hours left in THIS day. How do I pivot TODAY? How do I turn things around TODAY so that I'm living and not just hiding?
Well the graphic I chose is what I'm aiming for...while I'm thinking that I can't, Iknow hope that I can.
In PC (pre-COVID) people would find out I have 3 boys, work full time, bake and quilt and they would say "I don't know how you do it all", and my response was always, "you do it because you have to".
And I guess now, more than ever, I need to LIVE because I have to. And I have to, not only for myself, but for my kids. I WANT to for my kids.
So I sit and write about how I can't go on, how I can't do anymore, I take a deep breath, and I dive right back into it. Doing more.
Because 40 years from now, I want my kids to remember this as a time I pulled them through. As a time we truly lived for and with each other. Not just a time that we survived.
The talk around town is that they are "hoping" kids will be back in school for September.
HOPING. This means, at this point and time, they can't guarantee it.
Which I get. But the fact that in April we are talking about hopes of September - have me spiraling.
The most stressful part for me is not having a schedule. Not having a routine. The stress is making me super tired so I sleep in most days. I struggle to sleep during the night. I'm having nightmares every night. They range from my kids getting sick or harmed, to me getting sick or harmed. Last night was all about the dog shitting in the house and Paul leaving me.
Nightmares about dogs shitting in the house!!! WTF. I mean, I guess that one is warranted seeing as Lida ate 1.5 pounds of chocolate yesterday. ugh. She seems no worse for wear and actually found ANOTHER egg and ate it!
People are on the streets all the time going for walks. It's about the only thing we are allowed to do. Backyard fires have been banned. The campgrounds have been mandated to stay closed. They are even talking about putting up police barricades to stop people from going to their cottages. Cottages and land that they OWN they now have no right to visit?!
I know what they are trying to do. They are TRYING their hardest to keep everyone inside. All those people not listening to the rules. All the people still getting together. All the people browsing through the shops with no mask and having no general care in the world. They are trying to stop these people. But in the meantime, they are punishing all of us who have been home since March. All of us who have been washing our hands until raw, staying inside, shopping remotely or from a direct list, keeping ourselves quarantined - those of us who are suffering!
And I use the word 'suffering' sparingly because I know there is REAL suffering out there. People with not enough food, not enough resources to get by. I know, no matter what happens, if we lose our house, our retirement fund, whatever - we will be fine. We will rise up from this time, and challenge ourselves to do better when life gets back to 'normal'.
But I just don't know how much more I can take.
The kids are fighting constantly. Parker is sleeping until 2-3 pm in the afternoon and I'm too busy to get downstairs to wake him up. Doing Zoom calls for work (when I do dial in - I just feel discouraged for everything that is going on right now), making all the meals, teaching the kids their lessons, trying to keep the house tidy when we are all living in it FULL time, even trying to get ahead and get rooms cleaned out and purged so when we do emerge from this, we can forget about the house!
There is no break. There is no alone time. There is no schedule. There is no one to answer to.
I thought I would be this brave person who deletes Facebook off of her phone and really LIVES in the moment of this COVID. Instead, I'm an anxious mess who's having nightmares, can't sleep and yells at her kids every day because of all the fighting that is going on.
How do I pivot?? And I think, well tomorrow is a new day. It's only 2 pm today! I still have a minimum of 8 hours left in THIS day. How do I pivot TODAY? How do I turn things around TODAY so that I'm living and not just hiding?
Well the graphic I chose is what I'm aiming for...while I'm thinking that I can't, I
In PC (pre-COVID) people would find out I have 3 boys, work full time, bake and quilt and they would say "I don't know how you do it all", and my response was always, "you do it because you have to".
And I guess now, more than ever, I need to LIVE because I have to. And I have to, not only for myself, but for my kids. I WANT to for my kids.
So I sit and write about how I can't go on, how I can't do anymore, I take a deep breath, and I dive right back into it. Doing more.
Because 40 years from now, I want my kids to remember this as a time I pulled them through. As a time we truly lived for and with each other. Not just a time that we survived.
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