Tuesday, April 28, 2020 - How the hell did I get here?!?!?!

When I worked in the city, about an hour's drive from home, I loved finding back roads to take to and from to work.  Not only did it usually save me a ton of time, but I loved the calm I felt while driving them.  The scenery, the houses, the landscapes...all seemed to be a big deep breath of fresh air.  Many times, I would feel like I was the only car on the road.

Occasionally, I'd get lost.  I mean, not panicky lost, but definitely, consult my GPS lost.  When I would tap on Waze or my Maps app, I could be astonished at my location.

"How the HELL did I get here?!?!" was a pretty common thought.

Normally, I have a good sense of direction.  Generally....head north....turn right...I better turn left to head north again.  That sort of thing.  But humorously, I would sometimes find myself in the literal middle of nowhere.  

This is how I have discovered places like Egbert, Randol and Dunkerron...to name a few.  Okay maybe it happened a little more than rarely.

But a quick consult with my GPS or favorite traffic app and I was back on track.

I find myself, in these days of COVID, having that same thought.  The scenery is nice.  The days are relaxed and slow-paced.  I set my and my children's own agenda.  We eat big meals one day, take out the next, a quick grilled cheese here and there.  It's a choose your own adventure kind of way of living.  We are one of the fortunate families in that we are not financially strapped (yet) and our days are should be generally stressed free.

That's right.  Should be.  But instead of finding stress free me, stress free children, and a stress free husband, I'm finding everyone is melting down - and all in different ways.

My oldest son is very self-sufficient.  He's a month away from his 15th birthday and if he's hungry, he cooks.  If he's tired, he sleeps.  If he has work to do, he gets it done, and if he misses his friends he initiates a video call.  We weren't worried about him at all.  Until one of his friends reached out to me on social media and asked if I could talk.  My first thought was that THEY were in trouble.  They didn't feel comfortable going to their own parents so they came to me.  I couldn't have been more wrong.

My oldest son had started cutting.  CUTTING WHAT?!  was my first thought.  WHAT THE FUCK would he be cutting other than the grilled cheeses he's been making us?!  Cutting just isn't a thing I've ever had exposure to.  No one I know, when I was young, did it.  No one in my family did it.  No one I even HEARD of did it.  I mean I know what it is...there was a documentary somewhere along the line that I watched but it just wasn't a thing.  Certainly not in my world.

I took a deep breath and calmed down.  I told my husband and immediately we called P to talk.

He showed us his 'wounds', which were deep scratches more than anything.  And just a few.  This horror-filled vision I had of scars all up his arms and legs was thankfully, just a horrible nightmare and not reality.  My husband yelled.  So fiercely and violently I was taken aback.  Then he stomped out of the room.  My husband, if you know him you know, does not yell.  Like ever.  I figured we all needed some time to calm down.  About 20 minutes later my son my husband and I went upstairs to talk together - the three of us.  We all cried.  We all hugged.   And we all PROMISED that this sort of thing will NEVER EVER happen again.  Our son agreed to talk to us first before making any rash actions. We have also called our EAP to get him one on one counseling.

Moving on to my middle son.  There's been something brewing for quite some time.  And when I say 'quite some time', I'm not talking weeks or months but YEARS.  MANY many years.  I can remember reaching out and asking for help when he was in kindergarten.  Almost 10 years ago!  A decade I have been struggling and fighting and clawing my way through the mental health system.  And let me tell you, it fucking sucks.  There is virtually no one to help.  No one to guide you.  And when you do find someone to guide you, they send you down a road that you find out a year or more later isn't the road you want or need to be going down!

B has been struggling for years with anger, feeling inferior, not being able to make friends or maintain lasting friendships.  We have tried our best to coach him, we have followed every recommendation out there, we have medicated, we have gone to counseling, we have altered schedules and diets and nothing seems to work.

Last week B had an epic meltdown and left the house.  He came back and we worked things out as best we could be the very next day things came to a head again.  I had been venting to a girlfriend about what we had been going through and she VERY EXTREMELY generously offered to take him for however long it took for him to realize the error of his ways.  Wow.  I didn't know there were people in the world like this, let alone that they would be friends with me!!!

B has been gone for a week today and according to my girlfriend has really been making an effort to look inward.  His past pattern of blaming everyone else wasn't serving him anymore.  There was one night he came home to pick up a few things.  My girlfriend found us sitting at the kitchen table as dinner had just ended.  We were relaxed and just enjoying our time.  In less than 10 minutes, B had the entire house stressed out and fighting.  P was snapping at our youngest son, I was fighting with my husband, the youngest was in his room crying and B was in a fit of rage.

"This isn't serving anyone," I said to my girlfriend.  She quickly gathered him up and extended his stay with her.

A day later, B wanted to come home.  My girlfriend said, "oh no, you are not allowed to go home.  You stressed out EVERYONE in less than 10 minutes.  Until you can realize the impact you are having on your family you CANNOT go home".  God I love her.  Like how can you not?

So tomorrow is the day.  Tomorrow is the day B comes home.  I am both excited and nervous.  He is a force to be reckoned with.  If he wanted, he literally could rule the world and use his powers for good.   He's brilliantly smart, wickedly funny and just a joy to be around.  But get on his bad side, and the Hulk comes out and it's unbearable.

And lastly, our youngest son, K.  Who is autistic and epileptic and has several learning disabilities.  There are no savant skills, daily life with K is a struggle.  He takes medication that alters the way his brain functions 4 times a day over three different medications.  He has full support at school and in these 6 weeks of isolation, I can PROMISE you that he needs every ounce of that support.

I have two other children that are melting down that need me and then there is K who needs me ALL.  THE.  TIME.

Or...he watches his iPad.  So does my kid watch 8 hours of YouTube somedays?  You can bet your damn ass he does.  Because have I touched on what I need or have to do in a day at all yet?

No, I fucking haven't.  I did work.  Once upon a time, pre-covid, I was a full time realtor.  And I'm still trying to attend meetings, do training, publish social media posts, pivot my marketing plan, all while dealing with all of the above.

WHAT.  THE.  ACTUAL. FUCK.

So if you're still with me, maybe you can relate to me looking around and saying, "How the hell did I get here?!?!?!"

Sooooo, B comes home tomorrow.  My husband and I have parental coaching tomorrow - that should be fun.  "Take me out coach...I can't play anymore" is literally going to be the first thing I say.

Homeschooling.  What a joke.  I'm dealing with so so much more.